Lukewarm. There’s no other word to so accurately describe it. It’s a dull feeling. It’s being hungry for something, but losing appetite at the same time. It’s being giggly, but sad. It’s being bored, being lazy, being too exhausted to sleep. It’s being sweaty, having dry skin, needing a shower. It is, essentially, losing all feeling and being numb to emotion for a little while. I call it lukewarm, because when I touch something which is room temperature, lukewarm, it’s not hot, it’s not cold, and I feel nothing. Like inside me. It’s not hot, not cold, I’m not angry, but far from happy. I feel… empty. Just for a little while. It’s hard to explain.
Maybe it’s because it’s winter break and I have little else to do but wallow in my feelings, or lack thereof. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been in the studio lately (due to snow days). It’s just… I want to go adventuring, living, but it seems all I can do sometimes is lay on the floor and let my hair tangle up and taste exhaustion on the surface of my tongue. I’ve tried to write songs about this ache-y feeling; it never comes out right.
See, maybe this is why I love adrenaline so much. Because adrenaline feels like being alive, being wild. It makes me feel something. Adrenaline is the cure to this dull feeling. But it’s not always easy to find.
This is all so hard to convey. I’m not depressed. I’m far from it. I’m incredibly happy most of the time. But days like these… I just feel… Lukewarm.